TOM BARWELL BSC RP PSYCHOTHERAPY

We have all been there: a friend makes an offhand remark, a family member forgets to do a small favor, or a co-worker slightly misreads the tone of an email. Suddenly, the room crackles with tension, and before we know it, a conversation spirals into a heated confrontation. The trigger might have been trivial—an unwashed dish, a missed text message—but the emotional intensity and severity of the argument feel entirely disproportionate. Why do we sometimes break down our world into stark extremes and become so quick to blame and attack?
This pattern of thinking and relating to others is often captured by the psychological concept known as “splitting.” Splitting refers to an unconscious defense mechanism where people view others, situations, or themselves as wholly good or wholly bad, with no middle ground. In essence, it is an all-or-nothing approach to interpretation, one that eliminates nuance. While splitting often appears in certain personality disorders—particularly Borderline Personality Disorder—it can manifest in anyone under stress. More importantly, it is not just an individual phenomenon; splitting has social implications that ripple through communities, organizations, and even the political sphere.
Understanding Splitting on a Personal Level
At its core, splitting emerges when we feel threatened, overwhelmed, or insecure. The mind seeks to impose order on chaos, and one way to accomplish this is through simplification. If someone hurts our feelings, instead of parsing out their intentions, their good qualities, and our long history with them, it can feel safer or more satisfying to paint them as entirely selfish, cruel, or “the enemy.” Similarly, in arguments, if we feel misunderstood, we may reduce the other person to a single negative trait—“He’s always so careless”—thereby justifying our anger and moral high ground.
This black-and-white thinking rarely leads to resolution. Instead, it can trap us in cycles of conflict. We become locked into roles: victim and villain, righteous and wrongdoer, hero and failure. The truth, of course, is far more complex. Few people are all good or all bad. Relationships are almost always multifaceted, shaped by context, stressors, past experiences, and countless shades of gray. By relying on splitting, we deny ourselves the opportunity to empathize, understand, and appreciate complexity. As a result, minor disagreements inflate into bitter rifts, leaving both sides feeling depleted and unheard.
From the Individual to the Collective
While splitting begins in our personal psyche, it doesn’t stay confined there. In fact, the collective expression of splitting is increasingly visible in our broader society. Cultural and political landscapes often mirror the psychological tendencies of the individuals who shape them. Consider the tenor of modern political discourse. We see parties and ideologies cast as wholly correct or utterly misguided. Opponents become caricatures to be mocked or demonized, rather than fellow citizens with legitimate, if differing, perspectives and life experiences.
This tendency is exacerbated by modern media ecosystems, particularly social media. Online platforms, built on algorithms designed to maximize engagement, often reward the most emotionally charged, polarizing content. Arguments over nothing—trivial misstatements, small cultural faux pas—balloon into movements of outrage that feed tribal lines. The anonymity of the internet makes it easier for people to slip into splitting: we turn our opponents into monoliths—ignorant, malicious, or “just stupid”—and our own camp as enlightened champions of truth. The effect is that the public sphere begins to look like a battleground of extremes, where nuance and empathy become casualties in the crossfire.
Consequences for Civic Life
When societies embrace splitting on a large scale, the implications are profound. Complex policy debates—on healthcare, environmental regulation, economic policies—become flattened into caricatures. Instead of grappling with intricate trade-offs, costs, benefits, and long-term consequences, public debates devolve into a chorus of simplistic slogans. Political opponents may no longer be seen as worthy of debate; they are unworthy, illegitimate, or even dangerous. Similarly, social issues become moralized with such intensity that any conversation that tries to find a middle ground is suspect. The result is deadlock, resentment, and a sense that we are arguing, often viciously, over issues that could be approached with more understanding and cooperation.
Ironically, these societal trends feed back into our individual behavior. When we witness leaders, pundits, and social influencers engaging in splitting, it normalizes the pattern. We come to expect—and even prefer—simple stories: heroes and villains, us versus them. This validates our own inclination to reduce complexity in our personal lives. The more we see splitting in the headlines, the easier it becomes to justify splitting in our homes, workplaces, and friendships.
Finding a Path Toward Complexity and Understanding
Breaking the cycle of splitting, both personally and collectively, requires conscious effort. On an individual level, we can start by practicing self-awareness. The next time a small disagreement flares into anger, pause and ask: Am I painting this person into a corner? Can I see another side to this story? We can also seek therapy or engage in conversations with friends who challenge us to consider alternatives. Mindfulness practices, which encourage observing our thoughts non-judgmentally, can help identify the early signs of splitting before it overtakes our interactions.
On a societal level, the remedy involves supporting institutions and media outlets that resist sensationalism. This means valuing journalism that embraces complexity and thoughtful debate. Encouraging open dialogue in our communities, schools, and workplaces fosters an environment where differences are acknowledged and respected. As citizens, we can demand leaders who refuse to reduce their opponents to simplistic stereotypes. Over time, with committed effort, we can cultivate cultures that reward nuance, depth, and patience rather than haste, outrage, and simplification.
Conclusion
Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism that, when left unchecked, can lead to needless conflict and misunderstanding. When magnified through media and cultural forces, it can transform our public sphere into one of polarization and acrimony. Yet, by becoming aware of our own tendencies, challenging the impulse to simplify, and nurturing environments that value complexity and cooperation, we can begin to heal these rifts. In doing so, we might just find that the things we once argued over—trivial or otherwise—can become opportunities for deeper understanding, not harder division.