Gaslighting: what is it, and why does it happen?

I was driving in downtown Toronto one day, crossing a busy intersection with two lanes in each direction. A van to my left suddenly swerved into my lane, side-swiping my car. Startled, I honked and pulled over; the other driver did the same. As I inspected my car for damage, he remained silent. Then, when I asked if he had insurance since he’d run into me, he raised his hands and said, “I didn’t do anything. I think it was you who ran into me.”
Thankfully, there was no visible damage, and I let the matter drop. But what truly collided wasn’t just our vehicles—it was our two opposing views of reality. Without objective evidence like cameras or eyewitnesses, we were at odds over whose version of events was “true.” His attempt to redefine reality—to deny something I clearly witnessed and felt—was a form of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person deliberately seeks to undermine another’s perception of reality. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband subtly manipulates his wife to the point that she questions her own observations and sanity. Gaslighting often involves casting doubt on a person’s memory or understanding of events. Over time, it can shatter self-esteem and leave the victim constantly second-guessing themselves.





Why Narcissistic Gaslighting Is More InsidiousGaslighting can appear in any setting—romantic relationships, workplaces, politics, media, families, and, yes, even during mundane traffic incidents. It turns particularly toxic, however, when it’s practiced by someone with pronounced narcissistic traits.
1. Protecting the “Perfect” SelfA narcissist’s identity often rests on a grandiose self-concept. Admitting flaws or mistakes threatens that image, so they become experts at deflecting blame. Gaslighting becomes a go-to strategy: if they can rewrite reality to place the blame on you, their “perfect” self remains intact.
“You cannot argue them out of unipolarity and degradation.”
Because narcissists structurally rely on feeling superior, they rarely yield. You can’t “out-argue” them because their reality is designed to protect their ego, not to seek truth.
2. Relentless Self-FocusBecause the narcissist’s primary goal is preserving an image of superiority, they can be ruthless about dismissing your feelings or experiences. They seek to dominate what psychologists sometimes call the “relational field”: the shared space where two people’s perceptions intermingle and where empathy normally flourishes. By controlling the narrative, they reduce real relationships to a paradigm of dominance versus submission. Anything that contradicts their self-image is systematically invalidated.
3. Repeated Invalidation of PerceptionWhere non-narcissistic gaslighters might just occasionally deny wrongdoing, a narcissistic gaslighter is far more unyielding. They rarely back off or apologize, creating a cycle of perpetual denial and confusion. Over time, you may begin to question whether you can trust your own senses at all.





There Can Only Be One: Narcissism Is Not a True Relational FieldHealthy relationships—whether personal or professional—require give-and-take, empathy, and an openness to being influenced by each other. These elements fade in a narcissistic dynamic, where:

1. Lack of Empathy
   Empathy holds two individuals’ emotional realities together. In a narcissistic setup, empathy is minimal or nonexistent. The narcissist’s version of events, no matter how distorted, rules unchallenged.
   
   
   
2. One-Sided Realities
   When only the narcissist’s perspective “counts,” conflict resolution becomes a dead end. If you’re denied even the basic right to your own viewpoint, you’re left perpetually at a disadvantage.
   
   
   
3. Fragmented Identity in the Partner
   Because the narcissist’s version of “truth” must dominate, you may end up suppressing your instincts or pretending to agree just to keep the peace. This can cause fragmentation or the stifled growth of your identity, leading you to question who you are outside of the narcissist’s shadow.
   
   
   

Why Gaslighting Makes You Feel IllGaslighting doesn’t just create confusion; it can also lead to emotional and physical distress. Here’s how:
1. Chronic Stress and ConfusionWhen reality is constantly up for debate, you’re pushed into a state of cognitive dissonance. You recall something clearly—yet you’re told it didn’t happen that way. This mental tug-of-war spikes stress hormones, which can manifest as headaches, fatigue, muscle tension or other physical and mental symptoms.
2. Emotional Self-DoubtGaslighting attacks the core of your self-trust. Each time you question your perception, you chip away at your internal stability. This often leads to anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of guilt or worthlessness.  In totality, you might call the result the unesteemed self. By consequence, this is a self that’s vulnerable, prone to fluctuation and - perhaps - to seeking out dominant, narcissistic others in an unconscious cycle of seeking, but never quite finding, a longed-for stability.
3. Isolation and ShameVictims of gaslighting frequently feel they can’t talk about what’s happening, fearing judgment or disbelief. They may blame themselves for “letting it happen.” This isolation can deepen the internal turmoil, cutting victims off from much-needed support networks. 





Recovery: Why Self-Esteem Is All-ImportantGetting back on solid ground after experiencing gaslighting—especially at the hands of a narcissist—requires rebuilding self-esteem. Here’s why:
1. Reconnecting With Your Own RealitySelf-esteem starts with trusting your emotions and perceptions. Shifting your focus away from the gaslighter and back to your own inner compass is key. Recognize that your experiences matter, and validate them—even if someone else never does. This deliberate act of self-validation is a form of healthy self-love that reduces the power of hypervigilence.  This can be highly nuanced work, including for example what to do with (how to integrate) feelings of confusion, anger, depression, doubt and so on.  After all, they are all your reality, all your self.
2. Establishing BoundariesWhen you value your self-worth, it’s easier to see when you’re being mistreated. Healthy boundaries—be they emotional, physical, or digital—become your guardrails as a natural extension of a healthily-esteemed self. You learn to say “no,”, “maybe”, “give me time”, walk away, or seek help without constantly second-guessing if you’re “overreacting.”
3. Seeking External Support and PerspectiveTherapists, counselors, courses, art, articles like this one, or trusted friends can help confirm what’s real—and remind you that you’re not alone. If you grew up under a narcissistic “umbrella” (such as with a narcissistic parent or in a cult environment), or if you’ve had a narcissistic partner, the long-term impacts can be deeply ingrained. Professional support or a trusted support system is often crucial to untangle these dynamics and begin to heal.  Remember: the self is a hard thing to locate and learn to properly validate – people from very healthy relational backgrounds might not have to think about it, but maybe you do.  That can become okay.
4. Developing Self-CompassionIt’s normal to feel shame or embarrassment once you realize you’ve been manipulated. But turning that judgment inward only furthers the damage. After all, it’s what you’ve been taught to do.  Practice self-compassion exercises, such as mindfulness or journaling, to replace blame with understanding—and pave the way for genuine growth.
5. Cultivating Creativity, Love, and Self-RespectWhen you reclaim your “relational field” for yourself, you open space for genuine curiosity, creativity, and connection with others. You begin to dance with reality rather than fight it. This emphasis on give-and-take—with yourself and with healthy, empathic people—allows you to experience love and play in a resilient, fulfilling way.  Remember: it’s your love, your creativity, your play, your self-respect, your curiosity about self and other.  Intentional reclamation of your self is possible. By countering your self-doubt, your hypervigilance (which is all-about-them) and their relentless warping of reality we can learn to calm ourselves and grow our self-respect. 





ConclusionGaslighting can occur over something as seemingly trivial as a traffic incident—yet its real power lies in the clash of two subjective realities. When the gaslighter is also a narcissist, the manipulation becomes even more relentless and corrosive. Their need for dominance and self-preservation is structural, not a fleeting mood. This can leave you doubting your own senses and trapped in an endless cycle of blame and confusion.
The way forward involves restoring belief in your own perceptions and worth. Strengthening self-esteem, setting boundaries, seeking supportive relationships, and possibly working with a professional can all help you step away from the confusion and emerge with a more grounded sense of self. In some cases—especially for those raised in or long-exposed to narcissistic environments—this process is both challenging and richly rewarding.
Ultimately, the real collision in gaslighting is the attempt to overwrite your identity and experiences. Reclaiming those experiences as valid and true is the first step toward recovering your sense of safety and wholeness. By doing so, you defend yourself against future manipulation and begin to heal the deep emotional wounds that gaslighting inflicts.

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