The dependent, unsafe locus of esteem

Most of us like to think our self-esteem is securely our own. We take pride in believing we stand on a firm internal foundation—confident, calm, and self-sufficient. Yet in certain relationships, especially where narcissism or coercive control is present, we can lose that internal anchor so quickly it feels as though we’ve been tossed into a washing machine: one moment stable, the next moment disoriented and shaken. This article explores how that subtle but devastating “flip” from internal stability to external dependency happens, why it’s so confusing, and how learning self-esteem as a practice is vital to recovery—especially for those who find themselves in the Narcissist Survivors’ Club.

The Flip: From Self-connection into Unsafe Disconnection

An internal sense of self can feel quite solid until a partner’s disapproval or sudden withdrawal of warmth triggers guilt, shame, and a frantic desire to “fix” the relationship. What was once grounded self-confidence dissolves into a desperate quest for outside confirmation: “Maybe I just need to be more understanding,” “Maybe I’m the problem,” “I’ll do whatever it takes to get back in their good graces,” “I’m hurting them by leaving and ruining everything.” That moment of turmoil—like the spin cycle of a washing machine—is the “flip” from an internal locus of esteem to an external one.  
Psychotherapist Melody Beattie, in her work Codependent No More, describes how this external shift can happen unconsciously when we start basing our worth on another person’s moods or needs. She writes, “The hardest part of recovery is coming to accept we cannot control or fix other people, no matter how compelled we feel.” Unfortunately, for many, the compulsion to fix or appease can override our self-trust, unraveling the internal resources we thought we had.  Self-doubt thereby overrides the self, and we favour the external locus of esteem: a locus which, when narcissistic, is unsafe.

Narcissistic Sun, Wobbling Planets and Gravity

In healthy relationships, each person has gravity of their own, and together, they create a respectful dance of give-and-take. In a narcissistic dynamic, however, one person becomes the “narcissistic sun,” pulling the other into a forced orbit. Rather than freely dancing as an equal partner, the “planet” wobbles into a position of perpetual submission or support, its path now dictated by the gravitational force of a person who’s addicted to dominance.
The narcissistic puppeteer may even be unaware of their own self-preoccupation. They believe (or pretend to believe) their controlling behavior is justified, loving, or even “for your own good.” Meanwhile, the recipient becomes disoriented, unable to see just how much their self-worth is being eclipsed. As Karen Horney noted in Neurosis and Human Growth, people who “move toward” others out of fear often do so in hopes of receiving love or security. Before they know it, their internal sense of esteem is surrendered to the other’s whims or approval.

Trauma Bonding and Coercive Control

Psychologist Patrick Carnes, writing in The Betrayal Bond, coined the term “trauma bonding” to describe the powerful attachment formed when a person who experiences abuse is also given occasional doses of affection or recognition. “Trauma bonds,” Carnes writes, “are chains that link a victim to someone who is or was dangerous to them.” These chains form precisely because the victim begins to hinge their worth on the abuser’s unpredictable acts of kindness.
Sociologist Evan Stark, in Coercive Control, explains how an abuser systematically creates an environment of fear, isolation, and dependence. The victim vacillates between feeling sure of themselves and feeling terrified of losing approval—a prime setup for that quick flip from internal to external “esteem-locus.” Once shame or guilt is triggered by the abuser’s withdrawal of affection, the victim scrambles to restore the bond, rejecting their own perspective in favor of the narcissistic partner’s worldview.
It’s worth noting that these relationships often bemuse concerned friends who, on learning of the dynamic, cannot understand why a person keeps returning to a partner who so regularly plays victim, blaming, creating drama and manipulating self-esteem.  The cycle of misery is confusing and disorienting as the Survivor is pitched into wobbly orbit time and time again, and it’s very difficult for them to understand what is happening.  After all, if feeling worthy, feeling good is dangled on the outside, like a carrot, you can understand why it’s chased.  For people who’ve grown up conditioned to deny the self, it’s second nature to gift the power of esteem into other hands.
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Shame, Self-doubt and Washing Machines

The confusion is profound—people often describe feeling like they’ve lost themselves, or they’re “walking on eggshells,” never certain which version of their partner they’ll face. John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame That Binds You, underscores how shame is the engine driving this dynamic: “Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that I am flawed.” When shame and guilt rear their heads, we’ll do almost anything to regain acceptance. We abandon our inner compass, chasing that moment of warmth or approval. It’s a perpetual spin cycle—exhausting and deeply destabilizing.  It’s a cycle that relies upon a lack of self-respect.
Brené Brown echoes this sentiment in her research on vulnerability and shame. She points out that when we fear disconnection from those we value—even if they are harming us—we’ll often betray ourselves to feel that temporary sense of belonging. It’s in that desperate moment that the internal anchor is replaced by someone else’s approval, and our sense of identity bends around their gravitational pull.

Childhood Priming and Reactive, Dependent Esteem

For many survivors, these patterns of relying on external esteem began in childhood. If a child grows up in a family where love is conditional—dependent on meeting the parent’s emotional needs or appeasing the parent’s judgement—that child learns a deep, unconscious lesson: “I’m only worthy if I please you.”
Carl Rogers, the pioneering humanistic psychologist, emphasized the damaging effects of “conditions of worth” imposed on children. Over time, those conditions shape an individual who is primed to respond to external validation and approval. Karen Horney observed similar dynamics, noting how children adapt to unsafe environments by learning to “move toward” (placate) or “move away” (detach) from others, losing a cohesive sense of self in the process.

Self-Rejection and the Narcissistic Puppeteer

When you “flip” to an external locus of esteem, you’re in essence rejecting your inner self and adopting the narcissist’s worldview, even if it’s harmful or distorted. You see yourself through their eyes.  This is the ultimate triumph of the “narcissistic sun,” who—intentionally or not—manipulates your orbit. It’s not merely that you’re subordinating your preferences; you’re subordinating your entire sense of worth. It’s as if your inner voice is muted, replaced by the narcissist’s opinion, instruction, or expectation.
Heinz Kohut’s concept of the “selfobject” offers insight here: a person with shaky self-esteem seeks out external figures to maintain a cohesive sense of self. In an abusive relationship, the abuser becomes the selfobject, feeding or starving the victim’s self-esteem at will. Over time, it’s easy to forget that a self was ever separate from the abuser’s gravitational field.

Self-Esteem as Practice

The good news is that self-esteem can be cultivated. Rebuilding from an external locus of esteem to an internal one is a gradual, dedicated practice—very much like learning a new skill. In therapy, health coaching or groups, survivors often do the following:

1. Recognize the Cycle
   
   
   
   • Awareness is key. Seeing how approval-seeking or “fixing” behaviors hijack your self-worth is the first step to reclaiming your center.
2. Confront Shame & Guilt
   
   
   
   • Mindful intention can begin to combat toxic shame and guilt, replacing it, once recognized with self-compassion and acceptance. This is the difference between becoming absorbed/entering orbit, and witnessing the self doing so.  Be amazed.  How did you- in your own perception- suddenly become so bad, so awful?  See point 4.
3. Set Boundaries
   
   
   
   • Whether with a narcissistic partner or family member, boundary-setting begins to loosen the chains of trauma bonding. Over time, consistent boundaries bolster internal esteem.  Remember: the Self is the boundary.  Without a self, you cannot set on.
4. Practice Self-Validation
   
   
   
   • Journaling your own truths, acknowledging your feelings, and celebrating small victories help you rely less on external nods of approval. As Carl Rogers encouraged, learning to trust your “organismic valuing process” is critical.  But more than this, know that a rigorous practice of self-respect is vital.  In truth- and we should adhere to honesty here -you need to practice love (in this case self-love).  Nothing more, nothing less.  Practice hard.
5. Build Support Networks
   
   
   
   • Recovery groups or trauma-informed therapy can provide a safe container for people to heal old wounds, recognize manipulative patterns, and reconnect with a stable sense of self.  The best therapists won’t be flaky.  They won’t bullshit you.  They won’t shame you or miss you.  They won’t minimize you.  They’ll look you in the eye and be. right. there.  They’ll do that because they’ll know that’s also where you need to be. Taking you seriously is the beginning of the practice of love.

​Conclusion: Return from Orbit to your own Gravity

Recovering from narcissistic control or other forms of emotional manipulation often means learning to trust yourself again—removing yourself from the gravitational field of an unstable sun. It involves gently but firmly re-centering your self-esteem so that no one else’s approval can topple your internal worth. This is not a one-time event but a series of small, courageous decisions taken day by day.  It’s a practice in which we expect failure, but learn how we’re failing, building determination and know-how so we can get better.
In the Narcissist Survivor’s Club, and in the broader journey of healing, the ultimate goal is to break free from the washing machine spin cycle, to step away from being that wobbling planet, and rediscover what it means to stand firmly on your own ground. Little by little, you can re-establish a gentle, loving connection to your true self—one that won’t flip when another person withholds their warmth. And that, in the end, is what genuine self-esteem is all about.