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coping with social isolation

23/3/2020

Denial. The “I don’t think I got exposed, that’s someone else” tendency. The fear of hospital, illness and contagion become more fully a part of life as the denial has lifted.
Giving in to a rational paranoia. Contacts everywhere are being cut to the bare minimum. We all wash hands obsessively. Having to inhabit these highly vigilant, fearful ways of being is stressful all round.
Rational worrying. We’re all miserable at times, locked into news cycles and thinking through endless scenarios about “what might happen”. Our minds are grappling to predict an uncertain future. We can’t blame them for that. We are trying to keep up with a rapidly changing, risky world.
Fumbling to overcome social habits. It’s natural, under normal times, to talk together with people you know or people you meet. In normal times, you touch your face. I’ve found the constricted new normal difficult to adjust to, and I think most of us have. We’re all dealing with alienation now in the broadest sense: we’re dealing with alienation from norms, from each other and from the world around us.
Boredom/Clautrophobia. Claustrophobia is already the most difficult aspect of this enforced isolation. Many of us are struggling with this, and suddenly the digital world is providing the other people, and other spaces, that we need. Connection, albeit digital, is the natural antidote for much of what we’re missing.
Gratitude for the digital world. We have our own viral ways of passing information, stories, humour and love between us. We have online communication that allows us to continue to work, talk and be together. Frequently, in more normal times, I work with people who struggle with social media and how fast-changing technologies have left them feeling inadequate or isolated, but now a definite gratitude is emerging around our digital world. Who’d have thought that the digital world would become the most intimate space in so many peoples’ lives?
Worrying for isolated individuals. I worry at the moment for physically vulnerable people, but I also worry deeply for the psychologically vulnerable. The day to day environment for everyone has radically changed since distancing was implemented. If you’re already isolated or struggling with issues around loneliness or intimacy, if you live alone, this is a doubly difficult time.
Anxiety needs an outlet. Try not to lean solely upon indulgent crutches. Keep space for online conversation, for exercise, art, gaming and experimentation. You need a variety of ways to cope, so give yourself permission to do so. These are extraordinary times, so take extraordinary time to deeply engage with what and who you love.
Humour. Treasure humour. Humour is anxiety’s banana skin. Trip it up when you can. Games, online hangouts and a variety of media can bring a giggle within reach.
Futility. Feelings of hopelessness and futility can beset us at times like these, and this is very understandable. Focussing on the small things, the things that are close by in our rapidly shrinking worlds can provide some relief. Projects can be a great place to put all that anxious energy, and regular calls to loved ones can help you stay connected and tethered. Your mind is liable to dwell on what you cannot control, so remember to return to what is tangible and within your ability to interact and influence.

Covid-19 and challenges to our mental health

18/3/2020

Covid-19 has caught me unprepared, just as it has caught everyone unprepared. It’s taken me a few days to adjust, but now that I’ve made the move to online therapy and have had a chance to connect with many of the clients that rely upon our work together, I’ve had some time to think about some of the mental health challenges we’re all facing in these unprecedented times. My thoughts are by no means exhaustive, and I hope to add further information and articles as we progress through this event together.

Based on my thoughts and conversations so far, here are a few common concerns it’s good to be aware of:

Becoming irritable and controlling. You’re becoming more socially isolated. It’s not just the news that’s spiking your anxiety, but possibly finances and the well-being of yourself and those around you. Much of this is beyond your control, so be aware if you find yourself becoming controlling and irritable in your immediate environment: you may be displacing your anxiety onto others. Children are particularly vulnerable to this form of displaced anxiety.
The Worrying Self. Human beings are not simple unities; they have versions of themselves. Daydreaming is natural, but if you find yourself becoming very internal, ask yourself whether you’re actually slipping not into daydreams, but into your worrying self: a version of you that is predominantly internal, where you cycle through repetitions of control and threat in the confines of your mind, and during which you’re no longer present to the outer world.
Crutches. Both of the above are variations upon the theme of what to do with your anxiety. Be aware that any self-medication or other crutch you habitually lean upon in times of stress is likely to beckon to you - it’s a way you’ve learned to try to regulate your emotions. Crutches might be food, drink, TV, drugs or something else. Remember that the key to balance is a focus on medium to long term health, not simply what feels good now. Regulation is important and the chances are that there are other, healthier ways to regulate and therefore to find that better balance.
The Depressed Self. With heightened anxiety, sometimes to the point of catastrophization, specific vital parts of life can begin to feel impossible. This may be physical - the loss of hope we feel when sickness strikes; it may be financial, or generalized, or existential, relational (when intimacy feels impossible) or spiritual. On the back of any of these anxieties, it’s easy to blame ourselves, the system or one another, and it’s easy to lose hope and slip into depression.

Taking action:

Becoming Controlling. Practice a simple form of mindfulness at home. If you notice yourself becoming more irritable and controlling, ask yourself directly and honestly if you’re displacing your anxiety. Allow for an extra few minutes to listen and be with the others you’re confined with - allow them to show you who they are and notice how different this is to the tightness and irritation that comes with a desire to control. In this way, you can allow the world to open a little more to you, allowing you to be more present to those around you.
The Worrying Self. If you’re glued to the news. If you’re waking up in the night, or can’t go to sleep. If you’re quieter and less humorous than usual. Ask yourself whether you’re actually slipping into worry-mode, or your Worrying Self. Once you realize what you’re becoming, you’re less likely to defend that position. Otherwise, when challenged, you’re likely to double down and to insist on being that compromised version of you. When you’re your Worrying Self you are predominantly present to your own internal world - ideas, thoughts, scenarios - and not to the home, family and world that’s around you. Allow time for thought and to attend to this inner world, just don’t let it dominate. Keep your balance. Catch yourself ruminating, so you can return to those around you. Remember what it’s like to be a little silly and to have a little fun.
Crutches. Crutches feel like they help for a while, then we notice how crooked we’re walking. Long term, nothing can substitute for balance. Find new ways of dealing with your anxiety. Lean instead on exercise with targets, lean into honest and open chats with friends, become the at-home chef you always secretly wanted to be. Write, do some art, walk the dog. Take an experimental attitude and see what works for you, but work actively on keeping your balance. Remember: you use your crutch to regulate your emotional world. The trick is to find a variety of ways to do this, not just that one, destructive habit.
The Depressed Self. Like the Worrying Self, the Depressed Self is something you can learn to relate to, rather than feeling powerless as it swallows you whole. We can habitually slip into a version of ourselves in which depression whispers seductive messages of hopelessness and victimhood. If depression is lurking, your job is to remind yourself of your potential in the world. Go outside: something as simple as a horizon, the sun or the presence of a tree can help. Exercise: feel the will and potential within your body. Get seriously creative with your work and time. In other words: show depression who’s boss. You are. Your will is. Your insistence. Your imagination. Your drive. No creature on earth can find hope and insist upon potential like a human being can. Remember that. If your depressed body doesn’t want to get out of bed, insist that it does - this is a microcosm of the battle your will is having with the world.

I send my best wishes to everyone out there. Stay safe. Take care of yourself and the others around you. Therapists like me are present, albeit online for now, if you’d like to connect.

Tom

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TOM BARWELL BSC RP PSYCHOTHERAPY

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coping with social isolation

Covid-19 and challenges to our mental health

Tom Barwell

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